Every script

32 of them, by occasion. Each one has its own page, and the opening of each is free to read.

Writing your own instead? The Handbook is free and covers the shape of a bit, saying it like you mean it, and what to do when one bombs.

Best Man & Wedding

The Classic Roast — has owned the same gym shoes since 2014 and refers to them, out loud, as 'broken in.'…
Short and Warm — the guy who showed up at my apartment the week my dad died with groceries and didn't make …
The Nervous Speaker — I practiced this in my car nineteen times, and I want you all to know that in the car, thi…
The Second Marriage — I wanted him to be bitter with me. He wouldn't do it.…
Co-Best-Men — He could. He chose me. He added you later.…

Meeting People — That's not a solution. That's the problem, scaled.…
Early Dating — We invented a system where the correct move is to make the person you like feel worse. On …
Cohabiting — You don't really know a person until you've folded a fitted sheet with them.…
The Long Haul — 'Fine' has nine meanings. 'Sure' has four. 'Do what you want' has one meaning and it is do…
The Breakup Set — There is a specific pain to deciding who keeps the streaming account…
His Mother — Everything he does that you thought was a quirk — she does it. In front of you. In the ori…

The Retirement Send-Off — when he started, the company's entire backup system was a guy named Dennis who wrote thing…
The Team Roast — the agenda has, on multiple occasions, been longer than the meeting.…
The Short Farewell — In four years I never once asked him a question and got made to feel stupid for asking.…
The Promotion — eat a full lunch standing over the sink in the break room. Repeatedly. As a lifestyle.…
The Difficult Exit — I'm not going to pretend this is a normal send-off, because everyone in this room knows it…
The Chair — New people have tried the chair. They come back looking betrayed.…
34 Years — There are people in this room who had not been born when he started. Two of them report to…

The Classic Roast — Last month he told me — unprompted, with genuine excitement — about a mattress.…
The 40th (Still Denying It) — Nobody who thinks forty isn't a thing says it eleven times.…
The 60th (Earned It) — a stamp cost five cents and nobody had ever seen the far side of the moon.…
The Surprise Party — That's love. That's what it looks like. It's inconsiderate.…
"They Said No Fuss" — I've never heard him say a single word about himself that wasn't factual.…
The Knees — There's a noise on the third step. Every time. The same step.…
One Glass — One. Glass. He had it at seven. He was apologising by nine.…
"We Were Worried" — he has just bought a motorcycle and has never once mentioned wanting a motorcycle…

The Lies We Agree On — Marriage is a mutual non-aggression pact about statistics.…
Long-Term Logistics — Fifteen minutes before. That's the notification.…
The Body Betrays You — And your partner heard it. And they say nothing. That's the deal. That's the real vow.…
Bachelor / Bachelorette — It's like a fire drill for regret.…
The Late Slot — Half of you are here because your ride is in the bathroom.…
"We Tried" — Two words, said flatly, usually while looking at something else entirely. That is the comp…