Every script

33 of them, by occasion. Each one has its own page, and every pack has a free sample to read first.

Writing your own instead? The Handbook is free and covers the shape of a bit, saying it like you mean it, and what to do when one bombs.

Best Man & Wedding

The Classic Roast — “has owned the same gym shoes since 2014 and refers to them, out loud, as 'broken in.'”
Short and Warm — “the guy who showed up at my apartment the week my dad died with groceries and didn't make me talk.”
The Nervous Speaker — “I practiced this in my car nineteen times, and I want you all to know that in the car, this killed.”
The Second Marriage — “I wanted him to be bitter with me. He wouldn't do it.”
Co-Best-Men — “He could. He chose me. He added you later.”

Meeting People — “That's not a solution. That's the problem, scaled.”
Early Dating — “We invented a system where the correct move is to make the person you like feel worse. On purpose.”
Cohabiting — “You don't really know a person until you've folded a fitted sheet with them.”
The Long Haul — “'Fine' has nine meanings. 'Sure' has four. 'Do what you want' has one meaning and it is do not do what you want.”
The Breakup Set — “There is a specific pain to deciding who keeps the streaming account”
His Mother — “Everything he does that you thought was a quirk — she does it. In front of you. In the original.”

The Retirement Send-Off — “when he started, the company's entire backup system was a guy named Dennis who wrote things down.”
The Team Roast — “the agenda has, on multiple occasions, been longer than the meeting.”
The Short Farewell — “In four years I never once asked him a question and got made to feel stupid for asking.”
The Promotion — “eat a full lunch standing over the sink in the break room. Repeatedly. As a lifestyle.”
The Difficult Exit — “I'm not going to pretend this is a normal send-off, because everyone in this room knows it isn't.”
The Chair — “New people have tried the chair. They come back looking betrayed.”
34 Years — “There are people in this room who had not been born when he started. Two of them report to him.”

The Classic Roast — “Last month he told me — unprompted, with genuine excitement — about a mattress.”
The 40th (Still Denying It) — “Nobody who thinks forty isn't a thing says it eleven times.”
The 60th (Earned It) — “a stamp cost five cents and nobody had ever seen the far side of the moon.”
The Surprise Party — “That's love. That's what it looks like. It's inconsiderate.”
"They Said No Fuss" — “I've never heard him say a single word about himself that wasn't factual.”
The Knees — “There's a noise on the third step. Every time. The same step.”
One Glass — “One. Glass. He had it at seven. He was apologising by nine.”
"We Were Worried" — “he has just bought a motorcycle and has never once mentioned wanting a motorcycle”

The Lies We Agree On — “Marriage is a mutual non-aggression pact about statistics.”
Long-Term Logistics — “Fifteen minutes before. That's the notification.”
The Body Betrays You — “And your partner heard it. And they say nothing. That's the deal. That's the real vow.”
Bachelor / Bachelorette — “It's like a fire drill for regret.”
The Late Slot — “Half of you are here because your ride is in the bathroom.”
"We Tried" — “Two words, said flatly, usually while looking at something else entirely. That is the complete report.”
Pillow Talk — “Nobody has ever said 'can I ask you something' at midnight and followed it with something that improved my life.”